The Replacements

Dear sweet lord, i didn’t think a movie could be so devoid of anythingreedeeming. Between the horrible acting performance turned in by Keanu"Whoa" Reeves and the blandest, most predictable plot line ever, theReplacements does not entertain for a single solitary second. It isunbelievable that with such a rehashed, recycled plot, that thewriter/director could still manages to leave so many flaws in the film.Rule # 1 if you are going to write a film about football, at least knowsomerules, at one point in this abomination of a film the Washington Sentinelsneed to retrieve an onside kick to stay alive, of course they in fact dothis and they advance the ball forward: NFL rule the kicking team can notadvance the ball if they recover it on an onside kick. Directly afterthisShane Falco, yes the quarterback is on the field on an onside kick,tackleshis own man and then calls a timeout: NFL rule the clock stop after thereturn man is tackled. These are just a few mistakes to harp on, but iwanted to point out that the basis for this film is football at least thedirector could know the rules. The football flaws pale in comparison totheatroscious characters in this film. Every single characater in the entiremovie is a stereotype, example Orlando Jones character is the incrediblyfast guy with no hands, ala Little Giants, there’s the drunkard, smoking,welsh kicker who is scrawny but still a badass, there are of course someofthe gansta african americans, a sumo wrestler!, the religious nice guy whoonly wants to catch one touchdown, and low and behold he catches it andshatter his knee on the play, it brings a tear to my eye. I gurantee ifthis idea was given to a drunk, semi retarded monkey he could of in factproduced a far more original, believable, and entertaining film than thenimrods who came up with this horrendous "comedy". The only thingslightlycomedic in this whole film was the fact that an esteemed actor like GeneHackman would agree to taked this role. 0/10 the worst movie ever. Ifyoulike football don’t see it, if you like Keanu Reeves don’t see it, If youlike sports drama don’t see it, if you like comedies don’t see it, if youlike movies in general don’t see it, if you like performing mysterysciencetheatre over a pile of crap film, by all means see it.

This is a very unoriginal cross between Major League and NecessaryRoughness, with less believable characters. Characters have no depth andKeanu Reeves has the same expression on his face throughout. I don’t thinkthat Gene Hackman has more than a couple pages of dialogue in the entiremovie. But then he doesn’t need to, the entire movie’s one big cliche. Theending can’t be ruined, because you can see it coming 90 minutes away. Justall-around bad.

THE REPLACEMENTS / (2000) 1/2* (out of four)

By Blake French:

I have always thought professional sports players make way too much moneyfor what they do. I hoped "The Replacements" would make a strong statementabout their greed and selfishness. "You’re being paid to play," a coachexplains to his replacement team, "and I want you to remember that, becausethe men whose places you’ve taken forgot that a long time ago." Withdialogue like that, we can explore a funny, biting satire about a socialissue.

"The Replacements" isn’t the movie I was hoping for and it does not make astand on greed or anything else. It’s a poorly constructed, shamelesslycontrived sports comedy/drama/romance about how a football team can win abig game. It’s also about love. The main star, Keanu Reeves, who has donemuch better than this, falls for a less than charming cheerleader/bar owner.We learn this in one of the film’s first sequences, where the two love birdsstare into each other’s eyes as boastful romantic music explodes on thesoundtrack. This is the kind of movie where the music sets the tone for thescene instead of the scene setting the tone for the music. Without themusic, this movie would not have any tone. Not that the music makes muchdifference. It still has no tone.

It’s difficult making a decent sports movie because it must involve theaudiences in the story both on and off the field. Oliver Stone could noteven do it successfully in "Any Given Sunday," but he did a lot better thanthis. Howard Deutch ("The Odd Couple II") does not stand a chance with thissheepish, cheap screenplay by Vince McKewin. The movie does not even knowabout the technical aspects of football. Although I would not know afootball from a bowling ball, here are a few factual errors the fine folksat the Internet Movie Database discovered:

· The team has to hire new cheerleaders when the players go on strike,presumably because the cheerleaders are unionized as well. However, we neversee any cheerleaders on the players’ picket lines.

· Falco leaves the team when Martel crosses the picket-line, but most NFLteams carry at least two but usually three quarterbacks in case ofinjury–Falco would only move to second string, and it would be the secondor third string quarterback cut.

· According to NFL regulations, a quarterback (or any other player) is notpermitted to remove their helmet in the huddle. Falco does this severaltimes throughout the movie.

· During an extra point attempt, the clock is running. In real football, theclock is stopped during extra point attempts.

Gene Hackman gives the movie it’s only light as veteran coach JimmyMcGinty. His team, the Washington Sentinels, must win three of their lastfour games to make the professional football playoffs. A player’s strikeoccurs; those greedy SOB’s want more money, as if five million a year isn’tquite enough to cover the cost of agents, layers, and insurance on Ferraris.McGinty agrees to hire replacement players. "They’ve all played footballsomewhere, not all of them in the pros. But they all have something uniqueto bring to the game. We’re gonna take those people and try to put togethera winning team. If nothing else, they should be fun to watch," he explains.

Scene after scene, "The Replacements" proves itself incompetent andfoolish. The scenes jump between angry players, romantic struggles, and footballgames. The film spews much unfitting humor into the mix. In once scene, awoman recklessly drives through oncoming traffic at high speeds. This is acontrived, recycled visual joke that isn’t developed or expanded upon. Itdidn’t work in "Speed 2: Cruise Control" and it doesn’t work here. "TheReplacements" also attempts for laughs through the cheer leading team. Thisis also a shallow sight gag; it does not advance the plot nor does it coveran important niche. There’s even a running joke where the football playerssing and dance to a popular alternative music number. It makes you wonderwhat you did to deserve such painful torture.

I have been reviewing movies for over five years now. I write four to fivefilm critiques per week-many negative. Even after doing this for so long,and sitting through so many terrible motion pictures, it still deeplydiscourages me to screen a movie as bad as "The Replacements," when I knowthis kind of material has potential. I not only feel sorry for theunfortunate viewers who sit through this junk, but also for the filmmakerswhereas it takes a lot of time and effort to make a movie, regardless of howbad. This was a waste of their time as well.

I question why actors like Reeves and especially Hackman would accept suchroles. In one scene, a character states: "I’ve seen monkey-s**t fights atthe zoo that are more organized than this." One could also say the samething about this movie.

If you want a boring, contrived hackneyed piece of garbage that doesn’thavea single laugh in it…then this is your movie.

If you want to hear such eyerolling and retching dialouge such as "Painheals and chicks dig scars but glory lasts forever"..
.then this is yourmovie.

If you want to see a movie in which women are portrayed as sex objects andbimbos…by all means, THIS is your movie.

If you want to see Gene Hackman and Keanu Reeves go through the motionswhile slumming it…then this is your movie.

If you want to see a half decent Howard Deutsch movie, go and rent SOMEKINDOF WONDERFUL.

If you want to hear a great rendition of Gloria Gaynor’s "I WILL SURVIVE",go and rent MAN ON THE MOON and watch Tony Clifton singit.

If you want to see a movie about plucky and scrappy underdogs who go fromthe doghouse to the penthouse…go rent Major League.

If you want to see a good football movie….leave this stinkbomb on theshelf and go rent ANY GIVEN SUNDAY

AVOID THIS MOVIE LIKE THE PLAGUE!

The premise that this is a feel good movie is completely destroyed bythe fact that ‘our heroes’ have essentially crossed a picket to attainthis status. They have a name for that where I come from.

I don’t care that it is overpaid sports ’stars’ that are the supposedvillains here. That is not an excuse, it’s sets a bad example and Iwouldn’t be a all surprised if the funding for this one came from alarge corporation or employers federation eager to plant the seed thatstrike breaking is indeed the all American way. Anyone who thinks thatshould take a closer look at the workers movement in the states andperhaps a good starting point would be the origins of May Day itself.Keanu’s million dollar smile can’t hide the maladaptive motives of thismovie.

If it weren’t for the very talented and very funny Orlando Jones, this moviewouldn’t have been worth watching, but thanks to lots of great scenes withOrlando Jones, the movie is somewhat worth renting even though I wouldn’tbuy it or anything. This is another one of those predictable sports comedieswith a thin script and bad acting [Orlando Jones is the only one who seemsto know how to act here]. The movie would have been better if the filmakerswere able to rise above the sports comedy genre and either spoof it orchange it. Instead of doing that, the filmakers bring us the same old stuffin this comedy that is only mildly amusing in some spots.

The Replacements is the kind of movie they should be showing in filmschool. We can all look at Chinatown, Don't Look Now, Witness, BringingUp Baby, Tokyo Monogatari, ET, Tootsie or Crimson Tide and see why theywork well. It would be more of a challenge to take a heap of dung likeThe Replacements and say, "Right, fix that." They ticked off all theboxes; a reluctant hero steps up for one final chance at glory andredemption. Mentored by a grizzly old coach, supported by a wacky butloyal group of peers, he battles adversity, wins the game, and gets thegirl. It could be Major League with more heart, or Bull Durham withmore laughs.

Except it doesn't work. It isn't funny (I felt for Gene Hackman tryingto wring a laugh out of mis-pronouncing 'wiry', I just wanted to go upand pat him on the back, say 'never mind, mate', buy him a beer…),and there is zero drama. The prison dance routine to 'I Will Survive'probably takes the prize for worst scene of all. I think they tried fora pastiche, aiming at camp, but it is just… so bad. It is likewatching one of those cabaret circuit stand-up comics dying slowly onstage, determined to make it through his routine despite the risingindifference of the audience. This is an absolute train-crash, bombedout horror of a movie, a real lesson in 'How Not To.' It does for thesports genre what Wing Commander did for sci-fi. I hope someone one daygets to record Hackman answering the question "Why?". The other actorscan at least say, "I wanted to work with Gene Hackman." What on earthis his excuse?

i was supposed to see a sneak of Nutty Professor II, but too many peopleshowed up and i got turned away. luckily, i noticed there was anotherscreening taking place - i managed to sneak my way in, and it turned outtobe The Replacements. now, i am in NO way a Keanu Reeves fan, but despitehis presence and some suspect plotting, this is a pretty fun film. thereare some good laughs, and i think Rhys Ifans is hilarious, so the humorwasa pleasant surprise. i’m not much into American football, but the actiononthe field was fine, they attempted some different things which is alwaysgood, and they managed to avoid a few of the standard cliches, if not allofthem. on the whole, i enjoyed it more than it bothered me, which for metosay about a Keanu film is something indeed. check it out, but turn offthemovie-plot-deficiency-detector part of your brain beforehand, yourenjoymentof the picture will be much the better for it.

Based of course, on the infamous 1987 NFL players’ strike, "TheReplacements" feels as if it should have been made in 1987. Featuring themind-numbingly stereotypical gaggle of misfits and outcasts, this filmdefinitely leans more towards "Major League" forgettability than "BullDurham" loftiness. And mind-numbingly-stereotypical might be the summary onthis turkey. Take a moment and consider every possible sports cliché youcan. Got ‘em all? No? Well, the makers of "The Replacements" left no clichéstone unturned, believe you me - capped off with the most inane rah-rahspeech ever put to celluloid (voiced soullessly by what-the-hell-am-I-doing-hereGene Hackman). By now you’re gettin’ that I didn’t appreciate this thing,and maybe you’re wondering "well, what about Keanu?"

Yeah, what about Keanu? Here’s a hint: Remember what Mark Hamill did between"Star Wars" movies?

For a film trumpeting the merits of second chances, Keanu clearly takes acolossal bite out of his at the Hollywood A-List (having secured it ofcourse, with "The Matrix", he is in full "Johnny Mnemonic" mode here). Ofcourse, with two more "Matrix" movies on the way, Keanu can quietly cash hischeck and move on. It makes one wonder though, that this is the same blokein "Little Buddha". Maybe the guy does have some acting range afterall.

Incidentally, the only saving grace maybe, was Jon Favreau as thebull-in-the-china-shop sack machine, even though he reminded me ofwhat’s-his-name from the "Police Academy" series.

Steer clear, men. Football season is only a few weeks away.

How’s THIS for originality: a down-on-his-luck team owner recruits a bunchof ‘wacky’ and ‘lovable’ losers and misfits (are there any other kind?)who’miraculously’ band together and not only make a team…they make (sniff)afamily. But since this a "man’s" movie, full of p**s-n-vinegar (yeah, theywish!), they’re not supposed to be so much of a family as a bunch o’buddies, lest anyone accuse them of being weak (hell, no!) or pansies (godforbid!) In the annals (for the illiterate, that has nothing to do withanyone’s butt) of cinema, there have been a good number of sports-themedcomedies: "Bull Durham", "Slap Shot", "The Bad News Bears", just to name afew, and while they, too, may hardly have been original, they at leastWEREwhat comedies are SUPPOSED TO BE: funny. In the course of nearly twohours,there wasn’t a single honest-to-goodness laugh. Hell, there wasn’t even amoment that brought a grin! The hard part (other than why this was made inthe first place) is where to lay the blame; the possibilities are endless.Let’s start with Keanu Reeves: there’s a reason why he’s in not featuredintoo many comedies and that reason is the guy just ain’t funny. And let’sface facts: he can’t act. Here, he is comatose, expressionless, with linereadings that can only be called robotic. And do YOU see HIM as aquarterback? Talk about miscast! Next is the writing - no cliche is leftunturned: will the former quarterback (Reeves) join the team? will he fallin love with the token female in the movie? w
ill there a be a characterwhois hard-drinkin’ and a wise-ass? will there be a sensitive moment when thecoach tells the quarterback that he’s the only one who really loves thegame? I could spend hours telling of every overworked theme that’s madeitsway into the movie; the sad part is that that would still be moreentertaining than this dreck. And how ’bout those supproting players…notonly do you get THREE - count ‘em: THREE! - blubbery fat guys (numerousshots of their bulging bellies - isn’t that funny?), but two are black andthe other’s Japanese, which provides countless laffs as they bounce racialslurs back and forth. Boy, there hasn’t been THIS level of hilarity sincethe OJ trial! And, fresh from his annoying 7-Up commercials, Orlando Jonesis featured in a role that is, essentially, "the girly-boy": not only doeshe hide during the inevitable barroom fight scene, but he’s also prettyfondof "I Will Survive"; still, to prove he’s "all man", the filmmakersprovidea few shots of him dancing suggestively with some blonde floozy. (Minusthedirty dancing, it could easily be Stepin Fetchit.) Jon Favreau portrays athe kind of character usually given a name like Killer or Meat: thesnarling- but wacky-n-lovable! - he-beast. He is, in one word, an embarrassment.Notfor a single moment is he believable. The worst fate is reserved for GeneHackman, who is slumming here; he performs every scene lackadaisically, asif his heart just ain’t in it. I certainly hope he was paid handsomely. Icertainly hope it was worth it. Continuing to put the blame where itbelongs, special mention must be made of the director, Howard Deutch, amanwho hasn’t helmed a worthwhile film other than "Grumpier Old Men"; as withhis other attempts at directing, this film is jumbled and at timesincoherent - often, it’s downright confusing as to just where this film isgoing (answer: nowhere) and what he’s trying to say (the only clearmessagewe get is this: rich=bad, poor=good, exemplified by the cartoonish proplayers who go on strike to earn more millions and theeven-more-cartoonishscabs who make up this motley crew whom we’re supposed to be rooting for).Whole scenes go absolutely nowhere, a problem not exactly helped byeditingthat appears to have been handled by someone blind wielding a gardenshears;numerous, useless shots seem thrown in blindly to pad an already-too-longmovie. And then there’s the photography: this is one UGLY looking film! Ithink there was an attempt to give the film a somewhat ‘gritty’ look butitserves only to make all involved seem vaguely unwashed. No, they look -well- skanky. (Which I suppose is only fitting for a story about a bunch oflosers.) Keanu comes off the worst: either he’s gettin’ a littlelong-in-the-tooth or it just looks that way; throughout the entire affair,it appears he’s just come off a long, long bender. Which might be a prettygood idea, now that I think about it; maybe if I had a few stiff drinks Icould forget I wasted my energy on this c**p.